Superheroes

Whiny white weirdos in spandex. Am I supposed to feel safe?

So I could write some kind of deep (?) socio-literary-philosophical analysis about superhero stories, how they're so very different from hero myths, and how the latter are intelligent and culturally meaningful while the former are but a masturbatory fantasy for little boys who need to compensate for a meager life, a small dick, or a lack of mommylove. But I'm not in that mood, so that'll have to wait.

It's really mostly under the skin. Superheroes bore the shit out of me. I must be unimpressed by the idea that justice needs heroes. Or maybe I just find normality fascinating and supernormality (whatever that means) uninteresting. It must be that, for most things that are larger than life do tend to annoy me. "Suspend disbelief and have fun," they said. No can do, not with this stuff.

Why? Because they wear costumes. Kids on Halloween wear costumes. Drunks and punks wear costumes. I am sorry, but there is simply no way around this: all superhero costumes look fucking retarded. And good thing that they didn't keep Wolverine's yellow suit in the movies, or it would have been laughable.

Which leads me to the two exceptions to my distaste for Superheroes. I used to love The Flash when I was little, because all I knew about it was the great TV show, which was (and still is) a masterpiece of urban gothic art. Sure enough, as soon as I tried reading the comic I almost threw up. So fucking dumb. Same for the X-Men: I love the movies because they pose interesting ethical quandaries, because Patrick Steward is a badass, and because Anna Paquin and Ellen Page are fucking hot -- and I tolerate all the costumes, the superpowers, and the really fucking stupid "school for gifted youth" or whatever.

But other than that, really, I'm hopeless. They killed this guy's parents and now he defends a city of weird and ungrateful people. Seriously, why the fuck is that interesting? And a bat, for crying out loud? "What is it like to be a bat?" Must feel fucking stupid, wearing that cape, that's what it feels like. Or the other guy who's a boring nerd and suddenly learns to climb walls and makes sticky goo in his lab while fantasizing about the ladyfriend. Uhh can we say RAPIST? Not to mention guys who turn green, build flying suits (?!), and are blind and yet well-versed in the martial arts (?!?!?).

It's a sad day for Claudio when the only superheroes he likes are the heavily caricatured ones...

"When the mayor needs us, he shines a light in the sky.

It's in the shape of a giant cock." I'd Hit-Girl that.